At Vollans Mediation, our goal is to guide families through separation and divorce in a way that prioritises collaboration and the well-being of everyone involved—especially children. Choosing the right words may seem like a small detail, but in the emotionally charged context of family separation, it makes a significant difference. This is why you won’t hear us using outdated terms like “custody” or “access” during mediation sessions. Instead, we adopt terminology that focuses on co-parenting, shared responsibilities and the needs of children. In this blog, we’ll explain why language matters.
The Problem with Terms Like ‘Custody’ and ‘Access’
Historically, legal and societal discussions around separation have been framed in terms of “custody” and “access.” These terms create a sense of ownership and division—one parent “gets” the child, and the other “gets access.” This adversarial approach can unintentionally fuel conflict, creating winners and losers in a process that should focus on collaboration.
For children, hearing their parents discuss custody and access can feel unsettling, as it reduces them to something to be divided. Children thrive when their parents focus on shared care rather than competing for control.
Shifting the Language in Family Mediation
In family mediation, we move away from terms that promote conflict and adopt language that fosters cooperation. Here’s how we approach it
From Custody to Parenting Arrangements
Instead of talking about “who gets custody,” we explore parenting arrangements. This includes discussing how children’s time will be shared between parents, who will take responsibility for key decisions, and how day-to-day parenting will work in practice. The focus is on what’s best for the child, considering their routines, relationships, and emotional stability. By framing the discussion this way, we help parents work together to build a sustainable co-parenting plan.
From Access to Time with Each Parent
Rather than referring to “access,” we talk about how children will spend time with each parent. This language reinforces the idea that children benefit from meaningful relationships with both parents, where possible, and avoids the implication that one parent is merely “visiting.” The aim is to ensure that children feel connected and supported by both parents, no matter how time is divided.
Focusing on Children’s Needs
At the heart of every mediation session is one central question: What do the children need to feel happy, secure, and loved? By shifting the focus away from parental rights and toward children’s needs, we create space for more constructive conversations.
The Impact of Positive Language on Families
The words we use in mediation are not just semantics—they shape the way parents and children experience the process.
- Reducing Conflict: By avoiding adversarial language, we encourage cooperation between parents. This can help reduce tension and lay the groundwork for effective co-parenting in the future.
- Empowering Children: When children hear their parents focusing on their needs and wellbeing, it reassures them that they are the priority.
- Building Long-Term Solutions: Positive language promotes solutions that are practical and sustainable, rather than decisions made out of frustration or anger.
The What About Me? report is a particularly powerful reminder that children feel most supported when their parents work together, and when they have a voice in shaping the arrangements that affect their lives. As mediators, we help parents navigate this process in a way that keeps children at the centre.
Why Family Mediation Language Matters
Words like “custody” and “access” belong to an outdated, adversarial model that doesn’t serve modern families. By adopting language that reflects shared responsibility and children’s needs, we set the stage for healthier, more collaborative outcomes. For detailed guidance on legal child arrangements in the UK, the government’s official website offers comprehensive information.
How We Can Help
If you’re navigating separation or divorce and want to find solutions that work for your family, we’re here to help. Our mediation process focuses on open communication, mutual respect, and the well-being of your children. It’s useful to understand the perspective of organisations like Cafcass, which advocates for children’s interests in family court matters.
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