What is Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM)?
Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM) is the opportunity for your children to be included in the mediation process. It gives them a voice when you’re discussing arrangements for the future. Above all, CIM is a wellbeing conversation for children, a safe space to speak and process. It’s not a chance to interrogate the child, extract a particular piece of information, or for the child to choose between one parent’s favoured plan or another. The mediator’s role is to be with the child and to understand how it is for them. There’s no other agenda than to help the child feel accepted and listened to and for the child to use the space to speak as they wish, which in turn can improve their mental health.
How does CIM work?
With the consent of parents and child, the mediator will meet with your child/children individually and separately from the parents. This can be face-to-face or online. Following this, in a separate session, the mediator will give verbal feedback to the parents about what the child has agreed to share. Parents can then be guided by the children’s wishes and feelings as they work with the mediator to decide arrangements. Ultimately it is for the parents to make the decisions.
The impact of separation on children
Everyone hurts when parents separate. Family breakdown is a time of great vulnerability for all, and when children realise the consequences of their parents’ separation they can feel like their entire solar system has been thrown into turmoil. Some children are able to adjust and cope well. Most will find separation and divorce difficult. During separation children experience a high sense of loss as the world they know changes. Often children do not understand why it is happened or what will happen next. CIM can help by providing children with a safe space to explore their feelings. CIM allows a child to express themselves and can give them support, helping them with the grieving process plus offer them an explanation and understanding of the events that are happening in their life.
The benefits of listening to children in mediation
The voice of the child is a powerful thing and children have the right to be heard when decisions are being made about their lives (embodied in the Children’s Act 1989 and the United Nation Convention on the Rights of the Child). The pain and hurt of the parents can dominate and the child can get lost in the process. CIM visibly brings the children into the centre of parent’s thinking. Research has shown that feeling listened to by a mediator empowers children and young people and helps them cope better with the breakdown of their parents’ relationship.
Young people who are listened to report that it is a “cathartic” experience. CIM allows children to feel their parents care about their opinions, it gives them an outlet to discuss their concerns and to understand what is happening and gives a sense that somebody is there for them. Often children can feel lonely and isolated and in the dark about what is going on. CIM can help reassure a child that what is happening is not their fault. Without reassurance a child may carry the blame and belief that their parents are separating because of something they’ve done.
CIM is an indirect way of bringing the child/children into the mediation room. The mediator will give verbal feedback using the children’s language and only feeding back what they want their parents to hear. It’s a privilege, as a mediator, to journey with children in this way.
Helping parents make decisions for the future
It can be enormously helpful for parents who are in conflict to take a pause and think how their situation is impacting their child/children. Hearing the children speak through the mediator can be very powerful for parents to hear. It may bring a mixture of sadness and smiles as in some way the children are bought into the mediation room and parents understand their views and how they are feeling. Hopefully, the parents can be united in their shared concern and joy for their children.
Often children say they don’t like their parents arguing and want both parents to be happy. It can be a timely and powerful reminder for the need to refocus on their children rather than their own hurt. This can be the start of a more positive future. Parents can start to put aside their differences and improve communication for the sake of their children’s wellbeing. Children do not tend to criticise and blame parents but frequently make some really helpful suggestions.
Find out more about how CIM can really help children offload some of the burden they carry. It can be a chance to safely process all that is going on for them. Instead of feeling things are being done to them, they can have a voice. They can walk a bit lighter as they are accepted and listened to.